Forgive, Don’t Forget

Forgiving is crucially different from forgetting

Photo by Vlad Bagacian on Unsplash

There are times in life when people act in ways that we did not imagine they ever could. Often this can lead to us harbouring ill feelings towards certain people which only harm us, not them. When we feel any emotion it is usually our brain telling us something. When we burn our fingers on a hot stove, the excruciating sensation is a warning to our brain that there is danger and the pain teaches us to stay away. Emotions work in a similar way. When we feel hurt or sad it is usually our brain telling us that something is not quite right.

People can hurt us, betray us or behave in a way that does not align with our morals and expectations. When this happens, they are bringing negativity into our lives. It is very normal and healthy to feel hurt, angry or sad as a response to this. However it becomes unhealthy when we cling on to this hurt and struggle to let it go. When you do not forgive you are allowing the negativity somebody else has brought into your life to stay in your life. Holding a grudge, feelings of resentment, holding onto anger and sadness for long periods of time, replaying hurtful events in your mind, dwelling on the past are all signs that it is time to forgive and let go.

Letting go in these situations may seem like an insurmountable task. This is because sometimes our minds like to hold onto things because it thinks it’s helping us and protecting us from that bad hurtful thing happening again. Since our minds are wired for survival, this makes sense. The same way your mind will remember the pain of your burnt fingers on the stove in order to protect you from burning yourself again, it likes to protect us from emotional pain too. The problem is, sometimes our minds don’t do this for us in the best way.

Dale Carnegie says that when we hate our enemies we are giving them power over us. Power over our sleep, our appetite, our blood pressure, our health and our happiness. Forgiveness reduces your stress. Many studies have shown that holding a grudge keeps your body in a state of stress. When you forgive your heart rate and blood pressure also reduce. Fostering negativity in your mind will only take away your peace.

Many people believe that forgiving means forgetting. But this is far from true. If somebody has caused you great emotional harm you are well within your right to never speak to them again. Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting. Forgiveness is just about focussing on letting go of your emotions, so that you don’t stay consumed in hurt and anger. Forgiveness is for you.

Complacently forgetting without analysing or thinking about whether a person should remain in your life can be equally damaging. It can lead to allowing yourself to be disrespected, hurt and let down time and time again. This is completely preventable by just thinking logically about whether this person is deserving or trustworthy enough to resume their relationship with you as normal.

Don’t just forget. Remember what happened, but in a way that will serve you. Rather than dwelling on the pain and being consumed by hurt and upset, one should endeavour to think about the lessons this situation has taught you, what you have learnt about a person or group of people and what you have learnt about yourself.

Some of the best life lessons can be learnt from the toughest of times. I am aware of how cliche that may sound but I don’t care because it’s true!

Sometimes though, it’s hard to find a lesson. To put it simply, life happens and it’s hard to find a silver lining or deeper meaning. In this case it may be useful to recognise the emotional toll of dwelling on the past versus moving forwards. I cannot think of a situatuon where dwelling on the past is more helpful. Once you realise this, forgiveness becomes a no brainer - you end up realising that holding on to the negativity that somebody else brought into your life is only harming you rather than them. You should not allow anybody to have that much power over you.

If you recognise that you will be happier if you forgive and let go and you find yourself wanting to forgive but still feel unable to, it may be an idea to seek therapy or counselling to talk things over and let go completely and for good.