How Your Thoughts Make You Unhappy

And why your circumstances don’t determine your happiness

Photo by Rebe Pascual on Unsplash

Thought. It’s an interesting topic. It can be a curse or blessing at times. Thought is what allows the greatest scientists, writers, artists and engineers to invent, develop and create.

So why is it that so many of us have a negative relationship with our thoughts. ‘Think positive’ is a phrase that floats around quite a lot however many people are not aware of what thinking positively really means. It is practically impossible for the average person to think positively 100% of the time. We will always have worries or negative thoughts that wander in and out of our mind, but it is how we deal and respond to these thoughts that count. Our relationship with our thoughts is a lot more crucial to our happiness than you may imagine.

Many of us wander through life with the assumption that circumstance is the main predictor of happiness or contentment. We often think “if only I had that dream house or dream job or dream spouse, if only I had more wealth, I could then be happy, fulfilled or at peace.” But what if it’s not our circumstances that create this illusion of happiness, it’s actually our thoughts about that circumstance that create our happiness?

For example when financially stable one may think “I’m stable financially I have everything I need and I am now content” whereas when not financially stable one may think “I’m not where I want to be, this is annoying, I’m not content”. For some people, this feeling of “not content” can be helpful as it’s what drives them to achieve. But how much better would it be if you could feel happy while still chasing your goals in life? Thoughts become problematic when “I’m not where I want to be” turns into “I’m not good enough and I can’t be happy or fulfilled until I achieve xyz”.

A better, more helpful thought process when financially unstable may be “I’m not where I would like to be financially but that’s okay because life is a journey with ups and downs and I’m going to work hard to get there".

Our thoughts determine our relationship with ourselves. Once you become aware of your mental chatter, you may realise that you talk to yourself a lot more than you’re aware of. That little voice inside your head that you can hear while reading this article is exactly the voice that I’m referring to. This is the voice that speaks to you, offers opinions, shapes your perception of reality and produces emotions and reactions. It’s part of you and thus it is important to make sure it’s serving you well and contributing to your well being.

The basis of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) is that events lead to thoughts which leads to feelings. CBT sessions teach clients to challenge their THOUGHTS about an event so that their FEELINGS about the event change. For example, an event could be that a stranger walks up to you at a party and begins talking to you. The thought could be “oh my gosh I’m going to make myself look like an idiot, they’re going to think I’m so stupid and dislike me”. It doesn’t take a genius to guess that this person ends up feeling very anxious and self conscious.

The same event could take place whereas person B may think “this seems like a nice person who has made an effort to speak to me, let me take this opportunity to really engage and make a meaningful connection”. No prizes for guessing this person ends up feeling calm, curious and happy.

So was it the event that made the person happy or anxious? Or was it the person’s thoughts that made them happy or anxious?

When you understand this prinicple, you realise that you are a lot more in control of your feelings than you think.

This is an example in its simplest form of how our circumstances do not predict our feelings but rather that our thoughts about circumstances predict our feelings.

So next time you have a thought that runs along the lines of “I need xyz before I can be fully happy or content” remember that this is not the case. You have everything within you to be happy and at peace. If you think you need a specific circumstance (excluding basic living essentials such as food, water and shelter) to be happy, you are giving that circumstance far too much power.

Many people, especially those with anxiety or mood disorders report “over thinking”. Sometimes we can become so drawn into our thoughts that we get distressed by them. In moments where you feel overcome by thought it’s important to remember this golden rule - “thought is just something our brain does”. Just because you are thinking “something awful is going to happen” it does not mean that we need to indulge in this thought. It may be useful to acknowledge this thought and know that it is just thought and it can’t harm you. Once you fully understand this concept, it’s practically impossible to allow thoughts to consume you.

A lot of our thought processes can often arise from our childhood. For example, if as a child you were given love when you succeeded and you were withheld love when you failed, it is often the case that failing in adulthood may lead to a person thinking that they are not good enough, undeserving of love and a failure. Failing at an interview may lead to thoughts such as “I failed again, I’m rubbish and undeserving of anything good in life”.

It’s crucial for us to identify these unhelpful thought patterns and replace them with more useful and accurate thought patterns. If this seems to be an ongoing issue for you, seeking therapy may be helpful. A therapist may be able to work with you to identify your unhelpful thought patterns, understanding why the are there and help you to have a better relationship with your thoughts.